The following IM conversation took place between me, d27, and sfno, my ex-boss -- yes, that ex-boss -- (the "incident" that we are referring to is his being laid off from WN for being an asshole):

sfno: not sure how to phrase it...but i feel like i've lost you as a friend. i've sensed real coldness from you. and it makes me *really* sad
sfno: or am i just imagining?
d27: hmm - deep question. let me finish this tool thing. be right back
sfno: what am i if not deep?
sfno: how's that tool thing
d27: i'm back
sfno: ok
d27: i'm eatign lunch, teaching these interns how to do things
d27: no punctuality these two
d27: so - in answer to your question
sfno: yes...
d27: its not so much that i feel cold towards you
d27: i felt very trapped by the direction of our communication during the whole "incident"
sfno: not sure i understand that
d27: hmmm
d27: well - first of all - do you really want me to hear this?
d27: i mean do you want to hear this
sfno: yes, absolutely
sfno: i feel as though i lost a friend i really cared about.
d27: ok. let me see if i can gather up my thoughts
d27: first of all, the whole situation sucked
d27: it was terrible and i felt terrible about waht was happening
d27: i was very concerned for you
sfno: yeah, it was a real rough time
d27: yes it was. and i wanted to be there for you as a friend
sfno: so...
d27: unfortunately, you and i really didn't have a typical friendship
sfno: i consider that fortunate, actually :-)
d27: it's a strange relationship though
sfno: anyway. please tell me what happened
d27: and its not like we were in the habit of getting into serious psychological issues
d27: and as you know i always had a problem with your anger
d27: i even remember telling you that if it wasn't for the anger i would be friends with you
d27: are you with me so far?
sfno: i'm reading and rereading every word
d27: ok. i'm even afraid right now that you're getting angry
sfno: not a bit!
d27: so - lets see ---
sfno: i'm just relieved to be having any kind of communication with you
d27: so this whole fucked up thing happened
d27: and you were really freaked out and upset
d27: (so was i)
sfno: ok
sfno: i still flash back on your face when i left. it gave me comfort. i saw you cared
d27: well of course i did.
d27: you know that
sfno: yeah. i'm not sure how much you realized how much you meant to me
sfno: ha. funny sentence i just wrote
d27: maybe not
d27: but still -- the point is that in the first week of the whole incident
sfno: ...
d27: i felt good about being your friend b/c it seemed to me that you were being honest about what had happened and your regrets and your culpability
sfno: ok
sfno: so?
d27: but then after a while - it seemed to me that you were re-writing the incident
sfno: oh!
sfno: hmmm.
sfno: tell me more
d27: and you were becoming a martyr
d27: to WN
sfno: oh
sfno: in my conversations with you? or things that you had heard?
d27: i felt that u had been on the brink of acknowledging that this anger thing was serioiusly impacting your life in negative ways
d27: and then suddenly you did this about-face.
sfno: with you? what did i do?
d27: both - in coversations with me and what i heard from others
d27: you told me that you had taken the fall so that others wouldn;t have to etc. etc
sfno: what did i do
sfno: well....that's true
d27: i don;t think so
sfno: i mean it's true i had said that
d27: i think that you know that you wouldn't have left if it hadn;t been for all this other stuff that was going on
d27: oh - ok
sfno: and so you felt that i was justifying what happened, that i wasn't owning up to my deal
sfno: and that offended you as my friend
sfno: ?
d27: pretty much
sfno: ok. well..
d27: but also - like i said
sfno: i wish that you as my friend would have slapped my face a bit at that point. or at least tried to continue some kind of communication with me
d27: its not like we were "friends" to begin with, really. things were based on lots of weirdness
sfno: oh danit
sfno: that hurts more than anything you've ever said to me!
d27: and there was always the anger and the meanness
d27: i'm sorry jon
sfno: yeah, i was losing it
d27: i really am
sfno: sorry about what?
d27: and i did slap you a little but everytime i did you would hang up on IM
sfno: really? shit
d27: and it was frankly a lot of work
sfno: well, here's my deal, may i?...
d27: and i didn't feel that it was appropraite for me to be in so deep
d27: ok - sure. go ahead
sfno: ok
sfno: well....i had been thinking for a long time about "taking the fall." i was really getting fed up with management. i had had discussions many times with alison telling her i thought i wanted to be laid off. i couldn't *stand* laying people off.
sfno: and i completely lost faith in TL, and when they told us that we had to cut 2 more people after promising we only had to cut a *total* of 2, i was in total despair
sfno: ...and then scheeres accused me of something i just didn't do.
sfno: now...going back to my comment about how "i was losing it..."
sfno: i have gone over and over in my mind the conversation i had with scheeres where she said i was abusive to her. i can't see anywhere where i was abusive.
sfno: but, i know i have this issue...about my anger...
d27: ...
sfno: so maybe i *was*. i just don't know. there's this part of me that says i was losing a grip on reality. but i've never really been there before. even when angry, i've always had a good hold on things.
sfno: so i still say i wasn't abusive to her. she says i was. ok. there you have it
sfno: and then alison tried to moderate. at *that* point, i went off the deep end. the string snapped
d27: but the problem remains -- even if you weren't abusive int that particular situation you still lost it
sfno: yes.
d27: and unfortunately, lots of people were not surprised
d27: these things are harsh
sfno: i have never disputed that. i fucked up. i will fuck up again if i don't control it
sfno: but immediately after that, i went right back to alison and told her i wanted to be laid off.
d27: ok. this is not waht you were saying to me at the time
d27: you were denying all blame, it seemed to me
sfno: oh no
sfno: i did it to me
d27: ok.
sfno: i don't blame alison. i don't blame scheeres. i really don't think i ever did
d27: you did though
sfno: *however*...
d27: thats what you said to me over and over
sfno: ok, you say i did. so maybe i did
sfno: really?
d27: yes. that was why i just got really uncomfotrable with talking to you
sfno: in my mind and heart (and this is obviously all retrospective), i never blamed anybody but me
d27: ok
sfno: i was awash in guilt and self-loathing
sfno: ...and i still am, actually...
d27: yes..
sfno: i honestly have no bad feelings for scheeres.
sfno: the only thing about alison, whom i love, is that i dont' think she handled the mediation well at all, but it was still my fault
sfno: as i was saying, i was losing it.
sfno: and i felt incredibly pressure for a long time.
d27: ok
sfno: so i probably didn't know up from down at various points, probably for weeks if not months
d27: self-inflicted pressure? TL pressure?
sfno: both!
d27: ok
sfno: i absolutely couldn't *stand* what TL was doing
d27: i agree. its very unpleasant
d27: very
sfno: across the board. and i was drinking WAY too much
d27: yes - that was obvious
d27: are you still?
sfno: obvious that i was drinking too much?
d27: yrs
sfno: how obvious?
d27: obvious to me
sfno: yrs?
d27: yes
sfno: what does yrs mean
sfno: oh. ha! :-)
sfno: ok...i blew it. i broke down.
sfno: i have never, in my mind, thought that i didn't
d27: yeah. i'm sorry
sfno: break down
sfno: but now here's the thing....
sfno: i *had* told alison i wanted to be laid off if we had to be cut badly. and i *may* have formally requested it in order to go from 2 cuts to 4
sfno: ...
sfno: but now i need to get back on track. and officially, i *was* laid off. and i *did* consider taking the bullet before the incident...so i feel i need to tell prospective employers that that's how it came down
sfno: but i know i need to work on me before i can assume a leadership role again, if i ever can have that opportunity
d27: i would never suggest otherwize. professionally you are alright
d27: well thats nice to hear
sfno: i don't think i am "professionally all right (two words, not one)"
sfno: :-D
sfno: i don't think i am because i have this reputation, and this *habit*
d27: no i meant - professionally - that is the right tack to take
sfno: oh
sfno: so when you and i were dealing with each other post-incident, lemme tell you...
sfno: well, you know how frantic and frightened i was.
sfno: and you know how the mind works, and how you need to work things through in your head.
sfno: so i was doing that.
sfno: and i was doing it with you, whom i really needed at that point, i guess
d27: well surely you can see how that was tricky
sfno: when i realized you were having nothing to do with me, you notice i left you alone
d27: (and still is, for that matter)
sfno: how so
d27: what exactly is our relationship?
sfno: we have none
sfno: which makes me very, very sad
d27: yes
sfno: because as i said...you meant a lot to me, and i don't think you realized that
sfno: and i know you looked up to me, and the *worst* part is that i don't think you do, or will
sfno: anymore
d27: why is that the worst part?
sfno: because i let you down
d27: thats silly
d27: your anger stuff is where you let me down
d27: and its frankly none of my business, you know
sfno: that's the biggest crock of crap you've ever said
d27: whatever
sfno: because you are (were) my friend
sfno: and it matters to me
sfno: my business should matter to you!
d27: you make it hard to be that
sfno: ok. i make it hard.
sfno: it's me
d27: yes
sfno: ok
d27: so ..
d27: whats next?
sfno: re: what?
d27: you et al
sfno: i dunno. sometimes i'm really scared. other times, i'm just cruising
d27: how are you dealing with the "issues" re: this reputation, and this *habit*
d27: see this is where things are not my business
sfno: i'm just chilling for now. i think i just got caught up in a whirlpool
sfno: well, that's silly. but i can see that you're really wanting a separation. i had thought our bond was deeper. or at least i had hoped it was.
d27: i guess what i had hoped is that just when you were caught in it, and fully seeing it, that you might reach out to get some help out of it
sfno: i did. i blew up, i got laid off. that was my cry for help
sfno: i suppose
d27: no it wasn't
sfno: no?
d27: no. have you gotten any help?
sfno: oh.
sfno: no.
sfno: self-reflection
sfno: but mainly i am chilling
d27: you've already gotten the self-refelction thing down, jon.all smart people do.
sfno: i have removed myself from pressures. i am exercising on a daily basis
sfno: i am collecting myself
d27: ok.
d27: i think there's more
sfno: i got myself out of the whirlpool
sfno: that's my first step, danit
d27: and what happens when you get back in?
sfno: *if* i get back in
d27: o course you will. you'll get another job
d27: things will be hairy
d27: you'll drink
sfno: thanks
d27: hmmm...
d27: you want i shouldn't say these things?
sfno: i want you in my life but i get the sense you don't want any part of that
sfno: so anyway, thanks for engaging in this conversation with me. i feel there has been resolution
sfno: i guess i'll say bye now
d27: see - just for the record
sfno: ?
d27: i think its so annoying when you abruptly decide that a conversation is over and then hang up
sfno: oh
sfno: i didn't mean to annoy you. i guess i was starting to feel really depressed
d27: i'm not meaning to make you depressed.
sfno: you're not
d27: ?
sfno: you're not making me depressed
sfno: i'm just getting depressed
d27: i'm sorry.
d27: how do you want to procede?
sfno: yeah. i mean it's just the realization that i have this horrible reputation. i really hate that. "oh rochmis. great guy. great editor. fucks himself over every time."
sfno: proceed with you?
d27: to be blunt with you jon -
sfno: or proceed with my life?
d27: i meant with me
sfno: oh.
sfno: be blunt.
d27: to be blunt with you jon -
sfno: go ahead
d27: these are the kinds of things you should be talking about with a therapist
sfno: oh. ha! that's not blunt!
sfno: :-)
d27: well its how i feel. i can't (and don't want to be) your therapis
sfno: y'know...therapy means a lot to you. it has really been important to you.
sfno: i totally understand why you're saying this to me
d27: "oh rochmis. great guy. great editor. fucks himself over every time."
d27: think about that, jon.
d27: that is some deep deep stuff
sfno: i was mulling over the part about my reputation, and where you said people weren't surprised what happened
d27: can you look at that unflinchingly?
sfno: i know it. it sucks you didn't know that i knew it!
sfno: sure
sfno: no
sfno: i flinch
d27: yeah.
d27: i think there's a lot there
sfno: sure there is. i know what i do. i've done this therapy thing before
d27: yeah - so what
d27: i'm sure you've had bad sex before
d27: does that mean you never want to havd it again?
sfno: danit....i hear you.
d27: ok
dd27: i do care about you
sfno: so here's the deal...and here's how i'm going about this...
sfno: i got out of the whirlpool. i am feeling no pressure. i am chilling. i am healing
sfno: i am taking my time
sfno: i am thinking constantly.
d27: mmhmm
sfno: i am being nice. i am being helpful. i am concentrating on my students.
sfno: i am doing things that are good for me
sfno: there will be a time when i need to dive back in.
sfno: i am not putting a time limit on it, because that would be more pressure
sfno: when i am ready, then i will confront the other things i need to confront
d27: ok
sfno: i am not running away. i was never running away. at first, i was desperately seeking comfort and relief
sfno: because that was what i needed most at that time
sfno: it was a very difficult 2 week period. my emotions eased after that
sfno: i am telling you all this because you are (were) a friend, and i never regarded you as a surrogate therapist
sfno: does all this make sense now?
sfno: i mean, where i was and what i did and how i dealt?
d27: i hear you
d27: and of course you'll do things your way.
d27: i'm glad that you're out of the whirlpool
d27: WN is not the same without you
sfno: i know
sfno: i wasn't that bad. i just had bad moments
sfno: (shit, does that sound like i'm in denial?)
d27: yes
sfno: oh
sfno: damn
d27: sorry.
d27: i'm very demanding
sfno: i was that bad?
d27: yes you were
sfno: but WN isn't the same w/o me?
sfno: so it's better?
d27: no. you have a great nose for news
d27: you are a great editor
sfno: the newsroom is better without me?
d27: but you already know these things
sfno: they're happy i'm gone?
d27: i'm not sure i want to get into this kind of conversation
d27: its not relevant
sfno: so that's a yes?
d27: the facts are that you laready know the answer
sfno: i kinda thought people missed my energy
sfno: and humor
sfno: and presence
sfno: i know what they don't miss
d27: i mean it's just the realization that i have this horrible reputation. i really hate that. "oh rochmis. great guy. great editor. fucks himself over every time."
sfno: ok
d27: but you are funny and a good presence and a very thorough and supportive editr
d27: you kept a tight ship
d27: and the site was better for that
d27: people are never here until after 8 am, now!!!
d27: hello?
sfno: hi!
sfno: so...i'm having trouble with this:
sfno: i kept a tight ship. morale now is down, after me. i was funny.i had a good presence. i was supportive
sfno: but i was *that* bad
sfno: i can't get my head around that
d27: you were a terror. you frightened people
d27: you were mean and out of control
sfno: ugh
d27: you were not professional, you were impatient, you behaved inappropriately with certain people
d27: i'm sorry
sfno: i behaved inappropriately with whom?
sfno: besides you?
sfno: :-)
d27: taking eliz to hawaii --
d27: that didn't go over very well
sfno: i didn't take her
sfno: we went together
d27: ok
d27: many many things
sfno: but hmmm.
sfno: wow
sfno: shit
sfno: fuck me
d27: people were uncomforable
sfno: oh
d27: again - i'm sorry
sfno: i didn't take her, we went together. does that distinction matter?
d27: no - it doesn't
sfno: ok. it's not like i dragged her
d27: these are your employees
sfno: right
sfno: i guess that's bad judgment
d27: i don't need to explin this stuff to you
sfno: actually, i guess you do. maybe i just don't get it
d27: sorry - but that is no excuse
sfno: ok.
d27: to have a professional life you have to get it
sfno: ok
sfno: i guess you have to go now, huh?
d27: yeah! i need to get all my work done
sfno: ok. thanks for being there today. take care