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O! The anal sac. And to think I never knew thee!

As soon as we get to the vet's office, Isaac starts flipping out. Making these bizarre howls, panting and cooing. And quivering as if he just swam in 40 degree water against his will. He is, frankly, a freak. He just won't calm down. Only when I started whispering to him in this embarrassingly high-pitched voice does he gets distracted from whatever is spazzing him out so much and prick up his ears at me inquisitively.

I was looking forward to meeting this vet, Dr. Gordon, having heard so much about him. He eventually comes in and immediately starts petting Isaac, who melts in his arms. I am at ease. Plus, he's kind of cute in this slightly dorky but also confidently competent kind of way. Its strange to be the same age as a vet. It always reminds me that my generation is in charge, for now. I explain the smelly situation and what I have concluded is the problem.

He pulls on some latex gloves and reaches for the lube tube...

I am so excited I can barely contain myself. This is just so fucking gross!!!

Warning me "not to look directly into the brown eye" -- apparently there can be some serious trajectory and volume to this effluvia -- he pulls up on the tail and shows me how he's inserting his index finger into Isaac's butthole. Then with his thumb he feels down to about 4 and 6 o'clock. He explains that he's milking the duct, not just squeezing it, because that can lead to blockage and infection. Isaac is not fighting or really reacting at all to having this stranger sticking his finger into his ass. He's such a sucker, that as long as someone is petting him and making him the center of attention, he's in heaven.

The room becomes redolent with the fishy seaweed-y brackish algae odor I've been smelling all weekend. Having heard that the anal sac fluid can range from a paste to a thin liquid, I was hardly disappointed to see about a half teaspoon of dark brown goo spurt out out onto the examing table. Nasty! Dr. Gordon hastily wipes up the schmeg, explaining that once it gets on something, you can't wash the smell out.

And then the best part of all. He hands me a fresh pair of gloves and asks me if I want to try it myself! Well, I am not one to turn away from such an offer. Gleefully, I snap on the gloves and smoosh the lube all around on my fingers. Pop! I stick my finger into my dog's ass. It feels just like a person's. In fact, I can even feel the soft heft of a turd just at the end of his rectum. Dr. Gordon reminds me to feel around cautiously. At first, I only feel smooth asshole muscles. But then, there it is! It feels like a soggy over- cooked pee -- mushy and deflated.

Disgusting!

Dr. Gordon is proud of me. He tells me that no-one else has ever taken him up on the expression lesson. I'll never have to pay $57 again.